I admit, this is a hard one to write.
I have been resisting it for too long. Two years too long?
For some reason, I’m confident you know bits and pieces – that is, if we are connected in any capacity on social beyond this site.
You see – almost two years to the day – I lost my mind online.
My then 104 year old grandmother – Grammie – had been ‘not doing well’ more times than I could count in her 95+ years, but, DAMN – she always bounced back like the incredibly tough 5’0 power of goodness I’d always known.
And my amazing community online came with me – offering me the comfort I so desperately needed- thank you.
I left first thing the next morning. My travel was punctuated by texts from my parents:
“D…her heart rate is increasing – it can’t stay at that rate for long.”
“D….we hope you make it.”
I bored my flight mates with teary hopes I’d make it on time….and, I must admit, I didn’t predict the outcome – I probably wasn’t willing to believe it possible.
But I collapsed into my seat as we landed and my texts began to arrive.
“D….we’re sorry….Grams is an angel.”
She died twenty minutes before my delayed flight landed.
My parents next text, “D….not to pressure you, but….are you planning to go to see her? Legally, the nursing home can only keep her for a few hours.”
God love the guy next to me, the flight attendants from Delta who guided a shell of me through immigration and every person who let me in front of them in the taxi line so I could get to her. (The Uber driver hung up on me when I was struggling to figure out where to meet him.)
Of course I went to her.
A very wise woman said to me, “prepare to be lonely….you have just lost the strongest woman in your family. It will be a while before you are able to embrace the shoes you need to fill to teach your daughter that same heart and strength of character.”
I’m two years in…. and I’m still lonely.
Grammie – I love you. I miss you.